One of the fascinating things about being a coach known for talking freely about sensuality and sex is that, at unexpected times and in unusual places, people lower their voices and share very intimate things with me. I’m touched by these confidences. It feels like the Goddess is tapping me on the shoulder and saying, “Serve me this way, by embodying your dharma and grounding your gifts in real time.”
I think of it as guerrilla style Shakti coaching.
Recently, a woman I know, deep in her menopausal passage, pulled me aside to confess that she and her partner hadn’t had sex in several years. She longed for lovemaking again, even though she hardly recognized her rapidly changing, hormonally hijacked body. Her grief and longing turned to tears when she said she didn’t think she could make her marriage work long term if the intimacy issues couldn’t be mended.
I held her courage and vulnerability as the sacred offering they were. Then we unpacked it for a bit. We explored some solutions to the obstacles she was facing. I helped her refocus on where her power and agency lay, rather than where she felt defeated and hopeless. Her relief in being able to see options and speak openly brought a palpable lightness back to her being. She was laughing and hugging me when we parted.
I’m sharing this story with you because I think, and I hope, it holds some gems for you.
The primary one is an inquiry: Does sexuality matter to you?
Because let’s be real, sex doesn’t have to matter to you. Maybe it’s a relief that it doesn’t. It’s OK not to want it, to let it go, to be done. If that’s your authentic truth, then I celebrate that with you. Truly. Being at peace is a beautiful thing.
But maybe you’re not sure. Or maybe you know it does matter to you, even if you have no idea what to do about it. Even if the obstacles feel insurmountable. Even if you don’t have a partner and want one. Even if you don’t want a partner and want to be your own best lover. Even if you’re in a relationship that feels sexually misaligned, stalled, or changing.
One of the things humans do when we lose hope, when we feel stuck, when we don’t believe we can actually have the thing we want, is to willfully extinguish our desire. “I didn’t really care about that anyway.” We forget that we are creators and slip into victim mode, into “it’s just the way it is” dead-end thinking.
This strategy is not without wisdom. It’s a way to reduce the tension and stress that arises when we believe we cannot have what we want. But dampening our fire has consequences, not just for our sexuality but for living a passionate, vital, and fulfilling life.
So does your sexuality, whatever that means to you, matter? I invite you to tell yourself the truth. Because when you’re honest with yourself, even when the truth is uncomfortable (especially then), you open yourself to the miracle of creativity, possibility, grace, and assistance in many forms. You open yourself to the flow of Shakti.
The second gem in the story is about embracing change. Remember, wherever you are in your journey, your woman’s body knows all about change. We cycle, circle, spiral, and sometimes spin out! We’re designed to ebb and flow, wax and wane. Change is our feminine nature, part of our Shakti power.
Consider this: your sexuality has changed over and over again throughout your life. It will continue to do so. Maybe the changes you’re experiencing right now are big: childbearing and rearing, peri- or menopause, aging. Perhaps you’re grappling with health issues, disease, or healing trauma. Maybe the change looks like a kundalini awakening, empty nesting, a new love, sovereign solitude, divorce, or the beginning of a new chapter.
To embrace change doesn’t mean we have to like it, or even understand it. But because it is what is real, accepting change is often a precursor to creating something new. When it comes to the current chapter of our sexuality, a time of reckoning and releasing may be required, a shedding of who you thought you were, what used to turn you on, and of your body the way it used to be. There can be real grief that needs to be felt, tears that need to be shed, heartbreak that needs holding.
Part of “the change” may be that you’re getting to know your body in a more authentic way. I think lack of libido is more nuanced than hormones and “dysfunctions.” What if your highly intelligent body is trying to tell you that she’s not done with sex, she’s just done with sex that doesn’t satisfy her deeper hunger?
Maybe you’re done fueling your sexuality with performance, people pleasing, hypermasculine expectations, or intoxicants. Maybe it’s time to get to know the Goddess dwelling inside the temple of your own body, the one calling you home to yourself and whispering about the mysteries you have yet to uncover together. Maybe it’s about practicing unconditional love with your own magnificent body, exactly as She is and is not, at this moment in time.
Know that I’m working on these things too. I am, however, quite clear that sexuality matters to me, after a lifetime of personal cultivation and exploration, plus 25 years of coaching and teaching others professionally. At 60, I’m having the best sex of my life, which honestly blows my mind. If you’ve been in my circle for a while, you’ve heard me say this before. I continue to be amazed at how my sexuality expands, changes, and circumvents my expectations.
It’s true that my husband, Michael, and I are ridiculously turned on by each other’s bodies. We also love each other’s mind, heart, and soul, which makes things all the more delicious. After 14 years, we still have a hard time passing each other in the kitchen without an ass grab or a melty hug. Our sexual chemistry is a gift I never take for granted. Sometimes it feels like a blessing bestowed upon us.
Yet I’m also clear and can claim our part in cultivating that connection. I’m committed to taking action aligned with my values because I know that’s a recipe for happiness and fulfillment. One tangible example is choosing to go to hot yoga classes several times a week. Not only does this bring me joy and tremendous physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits, it also allows me to move my body into remarkable positions of strength and flexibility in pursuit of pleasure when making love. Ha!
So it’s not all magic. I’m noticing as we age that our sex life continues to change, demanding new concessions. It requires effort, hard conversations, scheduled time, vulnerable confessions, boundaries for achy parts, all the things. And because sexuality matters to both of us, we keep leaning in. And plan to for a good long time.
Bottom line for now, Dear One: I hope that you let what matters to you matter to you. That you find trusted allies, healers, teachers, therapists, and coaches on your path who help you know you’re not alone in navigating the changes you may be facing. Who can walk the path with you that leads you home, to more deeply loving your own body, heart, and soul. Who champion the possibility of you having what you desire and give you practical ways to get there.
I assume you’re here with me, reading my long form, infrequent and non-AI generated email, at least in part, because I speak openly about sexuality as part of living the Shakti Woman Way. With embodiment, sensuality, and pleasure at its core, it is my mission to share this way of living with you so that you can benefit from it as well. You being here helps me fulfill that mission, so thank you. I’d love to hear your thoughts, feelings, and feedback, so please reply if you’d like to share.
And if you’re curious about working 1:1 with me, let’s have a call to explore that together.
With love and a passion for what matters,
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I’m Lisa Schrader and I coach high achieving, spiritual women who are done being driven by pressure and ready to be powered by pleasure. Learn more here
