Valentine’s Day approaches. I know how annoying and confronting this holiday can be if your romantic life is shaky or non-existent.
I remember the pain of trying to rally for it when my first marriage was falling apart.
The years when it was all about the kids and I threw myself into baking dozens of perfect sugar cookies for my daughter’s class.
The single years when I was feeling lonely and miserable, convinced that the whole, horrid pink charade was designed to torture me.
And thankfully, the equanimity that I feel today, mostly at peace with this middle-aged post-menopausal body, skilled at knowing how to turn-on and tap-in to my own Shakti, married to a man I adore who knows how to worship the goddess in me.
Yes, it’s pretty good this year. (And harder too; more on that in a minute.)
Maybe you think Vday is fun, silly, special, stupid or something else altogether. Here’s a few thoughts on how to hold it.
First and most importantly, I say everyday is a day to celebrate love and sensuality so don’t sweat the 14th if it’s not your thing or this just isn’t your year.
I personally think we can use all the help we can get when it comes to tending matters of the heart. So maybe this is a moment to simply remember and celebrate your capacity to love. Because that is truly a miracle.
Please put yourself first in line for receiving the love you are so good at giving. There’s nothing more attractive than a woman who knows her worth and radiates heart-centered confidence. It comes from within.
I know it’s not easy when you feel you’re not getting external validation but keep doing the work, sister. Falling in love with yourself is really less about “doing” and more about surrendering, remembering, returning to something that is already alive inside and waiting for you.
Be your own best lover first. Pleasure is not just your birthright, it’s your very nature as a woman. It’s how your body is designed, who you are already and have always been. Make a short list of what would delight and honor the Shakti goddess inside of you. Attune to what turns you on, even if that’s just a trickle of something pleasurable. Then do some of that.
Trust this: what feels good is good for you.
And if you’re in a relationship….
Maybe you’re in the midst of a wild romance. If so, good for you! Enjoy it thoroughly! Consider dedicating your orgasms, sending some of that beautiful energy out to those who might really need it right now.
For many of us, however, in these long days of pandemic and PTSD from 2020, our relationships might be in a more stressed state. It’s been a doozy and it ain’t over.
(Good news is that we’ve just had a new moon in the sign of Aquarius, very auspicious for new beginnings and greater unity. Today also marks the Lunar/Asian New Year, plus Spring is in the air).
These times have certainly been working my own marriage. Now that my husband works full time from home, we no longer have the space apart each day that made the coming together again so much fun.
We miss the goodbye and reunion kisses that used to mark the day. Spending 24/7 together means the natural polarity between us (the “zing” of opposites that sparks passion and magnetic attraction) is more flatlined.
For the first time, we’re also dealing with new roles: being “office mates.” We rush past each other to get to Zoom meetings and speak in staccato about schedules. We have to jockey access to the printer, deal with WiFi bandwidth issues, and negotiate who has rights to the leftovers for lunch.
Not so sexy.
In a very strange paradox, we spend all of our time together in the same small apartment but have less intimacy than we’re used to. There’s a lot of “my space” and “your space” just to carve out something that feels like autonomy inside all this togetherness.
For those of you living with children and homeschooling on top of it…oh Mama, my heart goes out to you.
All to say, there’s new territory to navigate for many of us on this Valentine’s Day.
Here’s what Michael and I are gonna do. We’re reserving Valentine’s Day on Sunday as a “Tantric Temple” day. What’s that mean?
It’s a time we create for lovemaking that is about much more than just sex. It’s a full feast for the senses, heart and spirit. We’ll take time to slow down, honor and appreciate each other. We’ll talk about our “Desires, Fears and Boundaries,” speak the truth and get vulnerable.
We’ll breathe and touch, feed each other chocolate and create a sacred, sensual space to help us remember that underneath these personalities, cranky from winter, cohabitation and the state of the world, is a god and goddess who only want to love each other.
It’s an opportunity to come back to basics, start fresh, recommit to love. I even pulled out a great little book I wrote, “Getting Started with Tantra,” to refresh myself on some of these foundational practices and principles.
And that gave me an idea!
If these ideas intrigue you and you want more specifics, I’ve got you covered. Whether you’re partnered, single or in between, this little book is full of practical tips on how to get unstuck and bring more sacredness to the bedroom.
Mostly I want to say, thank you for being in this conversation with me. Thank you for loving in all the ways that you do. No matter what’s going on for you on this Valentine’s Day, may you remember that underneath it all, you are a goddess awakening in your perfectly imperfect, beautifully unique way. I see you. I celebrate you.
With so much love,